Pros and Cons

All throughout my life, I remember people saying that when you needed to make a decision you should make a pros and cons list.

I hope this helps me! Here is mine:

Pros:

He loves my daughter
My daughter loves him
He helped me with my daughter
He makes me laugh
He is a good dad


Cons:

He does illegal things
He yells at me
He has physically abused me
He emotionally abuses me
He has no home of his own
He has no education
He has no real goals
He is on probation
He abuses drugs
He is a liar
He does not listen


I think I could go on, but I don't find this to help the situation.

Day 1....Fighting the "feelings"

Have you ever felt like you try, and you try, but you can't do anything about it? It's almost as if you were helpless in the fight with your own feelings. Your heart yearns for one thing and your mind for something totally different.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting bad, and don't know what to do about it. If you're a girl, you have probably figured out what I am talking about: LOVE. A RELATIONSHIP. A BOY/MAN.

My tumultuous relationship, has left me drained. I cry, but tears do not follow. I scream, but sound does not follow. I pray, but an answer does not follow...at least not yet.

I have tried to leave the relationship a dozen times, but something keeps bringing me back. The prior 11 times, I never even tried to think as to why. This time though, I want to know why. I NEED to know why. I cannot afford to keep going back.

For this journey, I am armed with my blog, my brain, and a Bible. I will blog as many times per day as I need. I want to use this as a tool; a tool to help me in that darn urge to pick up the phone. I don't want to fall into the same routine again. I want to be free. I want to feel free. I want to breathe again. I want to be happy. I want to give peace to those around me. I want to receive peace from those around me.

This relationship goes back two whole years. I can't say that the entire two years have been hell, but it almost seems like it.

This person has broken me. He has taken the best of me with him. He has taken my heart, my self esteem, my self worth, my love for life.

I have no emotional maturity. This is not because of him; it is something I have been dealing with for most of my adult life. I do not make good choices, even though I try. I become so frusterated with myself, because I was raised well. I was raised by a wonderful mother, who constantly told me how much she loved me, and how special I am. So why have I let this man tear me apart: inside and out?

I have come to two conclusions:

1. Because he genuinely loves my daughter, and my daughter loves him
2. I don't love myself

I sometimes feel like I cannot live without him, but I also know I cannot live with him. Like I said, it is a constant battle with myself, and I feel like I am losing. Losing control. Losing myself.